IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ANONYMOUS FOR YOU?
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Only you can decide whether to give your local domestic Violence Anonymous group a try. In a DVA group, we don’t ask you whether or not you are a victim or perpetrator of Domestic Violence, we dont ask you whether or not your probation and parole officer or the court has requested you attend our meetings, and we are not there to tell you what you are doing is wrong and in need of change.
Your willingness to change is up to you and if you are attending a group meeting, we would like to think that you have not come along for no apparent reason. If you are thinking about attending but not quite sure, we have provided some questions for you to help with your decision. There is no shame acknowledging you need or want help. infact, we know just how much courage it takes, we have all been through the same process. Well done for taking the steps necessary just to get here!
TAKE THE QUIZ
- Have you ever decided to stop getting angry for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days? Most of us in DVA have made the same promises to ourselves, our families and our children, but we didnt have the support we needed and broke them.
- Do you wish people would mind their own business about your behaviour? do you have people telling you what to do? Perhaps the police? The courts? Or your own family? In DVA groups, we dont tell you what you should be doing, we share our own stories and talk about how we created happier, healthier lives for ourselves. If you ask us for help, we will help you.
- Have you ever switched from one kind of behaviour to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting into trouble? Perhaps you were able to curb your physical abuse instead inflicting more emotional abuse onto other? punching walls or breaking things instead? We here at DVA are all guilty of the exact same thing, for some of us we escalated from breaking things to hurting people. The worst part about it was that we were hurting those we actually love most, our partners and children.
- Have you had an eye-opener recently? a moment or incident that brought you to the courts? an incident that landed you in custody? or perhaps an incident where you yourself has become a victim of physical violence? These are all sure signs that there is a problem and something needs to be done if you are going to avoid jail or the hospital.
- Have you ever looked at others who seem to be terribly calm all the time? does it frustrate you when you come across others who just dont seem to have a temper to loose? Most of us wonder why we are just not like everyone else.
- Have you had any close calls in the past year? Perhaps a situation where you were able to cool off or someone broke up the fight, Maybe there was just something that happened by chance that prevented a more serious situation? You are lucky. The prisons are over flowing with fathers, brothers and family men that lost their temper once or twice. Anger is a natural thing, but hurting others is where we draw the line.
- Are you currently having any troubles at home? Most of us at DVA started out blaming our partners and families for triggering us or making us get angry and violent. After a while we begin to see that the world will make us angry, thats what the world does but we dont have to act on that anger. We cant control others but we have the complete and total power to stay safe and free.
- Do you ever get into such fits of rage or built up anger that you seek out fights? with friends, family or even children? have you ever got yourself into a fight in public? Perhaps in a bar or in town? Some of us here at DVA have struggled controlling our anger for years, not just in domestic situations but in pubs and clubs, we have all experienced the pain of waking up in the police station or hospital because of our actions.
- Do you tell yourself you can stop and walk away when things get a little heated even though you dont? Many of us were fooled into thinking we were in control when in actual fact we were out of control.
- Is Domestic Violence affecting your life? are you late to work because you spent the night in the watchouse? do you miss work completely because you are in hospital? are you at risk of loosing your job or access to your children because of your actions? Are you attending court? programs and courses because of whats happening at home? We have all been there, this is usually the point most of us seek real change. Its a wake up call for us, the point of no return and it motivates us to do something about our behaviour and start asking ouselves questions.
- Do you frequently 'forget' the nasty things you said or did? are you constantly stuck trying to defend your actions to people? Are you always trying to justify why you had to act this way?
- Do you acknowledge that you have a problem? Do you think your life could be better without violence? For some of us, by the time we found DVA we just felt stuck, we felt like there was no way to change or fix our past trauma, how could we ever expect to change when it had taken us 30, 40 or 50 years to get to this point? Some of us thought it was pointless and we were too far gone or couldnt change, but we found DVA and change become possible.
HOW DID YOU GO?
Did you answer yes to more than ten of the above statements?
what about five?
or even just one?
Just one yes is all it takes to suggest that you may benefit from attending a group.
Sometimes all it takes to end up in prison for life is one argument, one fight, one slap, kick or punch. And for those of us that are not 'physically' violent and think we are no longer at risk of serious jail time i would like to tell you what you are risking.
You may be risking a loving relationship, your partner may leave you. You may risk loosing custody of or access to your children, close friends, families and your loved ones. Ask yourself, Is that worth risking? the answer is going to be different for everybody but to all of us at DVA the answer was no.
It was not worth risking and we began changing our lives, we met other like minded individuals, others that could relate to our pains and could understand our struggles, our triggers and reasons for being upset, angry and violent and we found support.